pumpkinstrokemarrow

We were clued up enough not to take it to the tip up the road. They might well have thrown a bit of a wobbly. Instead we paid them a visit. Chaps very polite, but no. They were not properly equipped to deal with asbestos of any variety. Perhaps madam would like to phone the town hall to find out what the drill was. It was possible that the tip (aka waste transfer station) at Godalming would be able to deal with the stuff.

We thought that this was rather unlikely and also rather too much bother for a mat. So we wrapped the thing up in a Tesco carrier bag (recyclable) and dropped the thing into the green wheelie bin. Next day was collection day and we thought that that would be the end of the matter.

The next day, about breakfast time, the collector came along and hitched the bin to the hoist in the regular way. The magnetic resonance scanner tucked behind the hoist scanned the bin in the regular way. We did not mind about this as we had been assured that the information collected was anonymized and only used for statistical purposes. Analysis of supra-national rubbish trends and that sort of thing. What we had not expected was for the siren on the dustcart to go off and for an orange light to start flashing. It seems that our mat had triggered a level 2 alert.

The dustmen doubled into the cab of the dustcart and donned protective clothing - the sort of plastic white pyjamas that the police like to flaunt. They then emerged holding what looked like rather flashy litter pickers. Our green wheelie bin was ceremoniously emptied over our front lawn. The mat was picked out with the litter pickers and placed on an especial little pedestal to be photographed for evidence. The chief dustman - the one who drives the dustcart - was then able to issue us with a fine and a 28 day ASBO on the spot. We were so flummoxed that we paid the fine - the dustcart was fitted with one of those gadgets that they have in restaurants and shops - and took in the ASBO.

They were terribly polite about it all. But you could see that they just loved getting one over people who live in streets with grass verges. Certain amount of sniggering in the ranks.

Meanwhile the Surrey police helicopter arrived overhead, just checking that everything was under control. Probably took the opportunity to check the temperature of our roof.

After a while the dust settles. The mat is back on the picnic table. We resumed our interrupted breakfast and read the small print on the ASBO. Perhaps going the 25 miles to Godalming would have been a better bet.